IN SOMNIS VERITAS

the truth about life

2008-11-21T06:44:16Z

I think the truth about life is nothing ever turns out like you planned.

I mean, duh, that WAS kind of obvious - but going back at least 20 entries on this livejournal is evidence enough of that. Sometimes I just sit here and try to figure out how I got from an entry dating back 4 years to where I am now - nearly legal and just as immature as ever.

I'd write about how hard I'm struggling to finish my personal statement - but let's not talk about depressing things here. I've decided the best way to avoid disappointment is to AVOID optimism. I am NOT getting into college. I am NOT going to do anything with my life.

I mean, doesn't that make sense? Wouldn't you rather settle for mediocrity than condemn yourself to the devastation of failure? (Or maybe I'm being just a little too dramatic there?)

Whatever your hopes or dreams may be, GET OVER IT, because c'mon this isn't a Disney movie! Dreams don't REALLY come true people.

I should just shut up now.

~~(If anything I'm just lying to myself. I'll always be a secret optimist, and yes, I still do retain some hope of getting into a decent place.)~~

asdfghjkl

2008-11-12T06:36:06Z

It's funny how when a good thing comes around, I don't know at all how to handle it.

Just goes to show that I've been looking in the wrong direction the entire time.

Oh well.

,#

asdfghjkl

2008-09-24T05:51:37Z

I never thought I'd struggle this hard to be happy.

not all decisons are mistakes

2008-09-12T02:33:39Z

You make your decisions and you live with them; at the same time you can't help but feel that those choices were somehow mistakes.

I've made my choice, now I've decided to live with it.

It's not really that a big a deal. It was one aspect of my life that I decided to leave behind. It didn't mean as much to me anymore as it used to.

And that was true, and it's still true.

But after all the hard work and the dedication, the tears, blood, and sweat - I can't help but feel a little regretful.

We all make our choices - but they don't all have to necessarily be mistakes.

(They can sure as hell feel like it though.)

K YEAH IT'S BEEN AWHILE

2008-09-05T05:59:47Z

I FIND TYPING IN ALL CAPS REFRESHING. I MEAN, DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THE PARALLELISM? THE JUXTAPOSITION OF ALL THE LETTERS AND HOW THEY MANAGE TO ALIGN THEMSELVES SO PERFECTLY AS YOU TYPE?

I IMAGINE YOU CAN HEAR ME SHOUTING AS I TYPE THIS.

Okay, I'll stop.

Yeah, I haven't posted in quite some time. School's basically started and I have my hands full with procrastinating on my homework and going out everyday. I've suddenly begun spending myself into debt, so I've productively begun writing out all my expenditures in a handy little notebook everyday. Hopefully this will prevent me from losing all my money within a week's time.

I wanted to write some deep, thoughtful blog about how it's my SENIOR YEAR - you know, reflect on all my growth as a person and some other sentimental blah.

I don't know. I don't feel very ... emotional about any of it. I'm actually feeling very indifferent about everything actually.

It's like ... wow, I've never felt more empty. And not the, "my life is meaningless" sort of empty, where I've spiraled myself into utter despair or anything, I just find things so uneventful. With the election and all these other heated issues floating around, it's depressing that nothing has really spurred any emotion out of me as of late.

It's like, I'm trying to fill in all these empty spaces with clothes or movies or books or something, just to fill in the blank - but I find after I turn away for a second those spaces are empty again, and I'm slowly running out of things to fill them with.

Am I having a mid-life crisis or something? Does this mean I'm going to die at the age of 34?

Jesus, I should stop. Complaining about not having anything to complain about makes me sound like such an asshole.

creative writing

2008-07-16T04:20:55Z

Because it's never easy.

I sit alone sometimes, and try and string together the proper words, hoping they'll sound eloquent and witty on the tip of my tongue (and so not cliche), but all I ever come up with are these convoluted sentences broken by too many pauses, and a sharp intake of breath - holding back what I really mean to say because I know deep down I really should just keep my mouth shut.

And maybe in the end all we'll ever have are awkward drunken nights and unfairly sober moments in crowded rooms with noisy people and quiet, meaningful glances. Simple emotions seem so intangible, worse than sand slipping through your dry palms, but like smoke floating whimsically in the air - taunting and untouchable, the way people are, the way you are, the way I wish I could be.

Your fingers twiddle together nervously, you stare around in the dark corners of this poorly lit room seemingly out of place - and those could be the simple things, the simple reasons that matter - but things between us were never simple - besides, though there isn't much of an 'us' to begin with, is there?

A night like this should be spent philosophically pondering about all my shortcomings and wondering what there is I could've done better - could possibly do better. I should worry more about school, about my relationships with my friends, about bettering myself for the lengthy road ahead that is senior year - but lately all I can think about are a few stolen words in a smoky room, and wondering if anything will ever come of these pathetically high hopes.

Like success, like contentment, and like the lights that shine so mockingly bright out in the distance - everything just seems so completely out of reach, including you.

summmmmer lovin`

2008-06-27T23:17:13Z

Reading my last post, it's insane to think my life was so stressful and upsetting less than a month ago. Well, it's not all that perfect right now, but it's so much more bearable now that I'm out of school and relaxing at home - worrying as far as the next day, not the next month.

I'm still worrying a bit about prom though, summer work, and SAT tutoring - but whatever, I'll get to it eventually, right?

I'm trying to do this whole "working out" thing, which is actually going surprisingly well, contrary to what many people might think.

And that's all I really have to say for now. Not very exciting ... Oh well.

i hate school

2008-06-02T19:22:24Z

Homework is stupid. Finals are stupid. TEACHERS are stupid. Am I seriously stuck here another year of my life?

School is a fucking, idiotic, horribly-organized government establishment whose sole aim is to break down the aspirations of the youth of America, victimize us and transform us into conformist thinkers in order to carry on our backs the economy of the rich, over-privileged, stock-owning politicians and businessmen.

I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate school.

(I think you get the point.)

gee thanks

2008-05-23T06:07:14Z

What the fuck, Life? Why do you hate me so much?

Things keep getting freaking complicated.

I shouldn't think about myself so much. Fuck this shit, I need to join the Peace Corps or become Buddhist or something and forget about all my worldly troubles.

On another note - YAY DAVID COOK!

BINH AND HELEN OWE ME ICE CREAM!

asdk;lkf;sa

2008-05-11T20:37:14Z

I fucking hate my dad sometimes.

Screw college. After high school, I'm just going to hitch-hike to New York with $500 and become a starving artist.

artwork and adjacents

2008-05-07T06:07:26Z

Kathleen is awesome because she dedicates blogs to me. She'll get her special dedication, too - she'll just have to wait till my mind is clear of US History and Calculus terms.

But for some reason, creative writing relieves the stress. Care to read?

"Love is subliminal message," he says, words always eloquent despite the lopsided glasses and mussed hair. "Nothing worth knowing is ever obvious."

"But I hate riddles," she says, thumbs twiddling, eyes staring down at her shoes.

He always spoke in metaphors.

She thought in poems.

Overcast skies, he rolls his eyes, her stomach is filled to the brim with butterflies.

He's become the song that gets stuck in her head,
the last thought every night before she falls into bed,
the words she had known,
that she wished she had said.

"But if something is worth knowing, why not say so?" Her voice is even, eyes to the sky - pretending to admire the sunlight peeking over the clouds.

He picks at the loose threads on his sweater sleeve, fixes his glasses, cracks his knuckles. He could never sit still for too long.

"I think love is something you just know ... You know?" Without the right words, he attempts to explain in gestures, opening and closing his mouth like a fish out of water.

"Like ... Okay, if someone was in love with me - I'd be able to tell. They wouldn't have to say anything - I'd just know."

"Because you know everything," she responds sarcastically.

"No, wait - that's not what I meant. It's just ... I mean, if someone felt that way about me --"

She catches him off guard when she grabs the collar of his shirt, pulls him down so they're eye level, and stares at him determinedly.

"And if I did, would you know?"

His eyes widen, she steps away and continues walking, heart aflutter, knees wobbly, footsteps decisive.

"I just thought it was worth knowing."

failed attempt

2008-05-05T05:21:25Z

I'm really bad at trying to get my shit together.

stories stories stories

2008-04-23T04:35:16Z

Sometimes I get so swept up in how hectic my life is. All I can ever worry about is AP this or SAT's in May or getting this done for that event. I hate how trivial I sound all the time. I've realized that if I were to look at myself from the outside, I'd seem like the kind of person consumed with self-importance. Not to say I'm going to turn right back around and donate my life to humanitarian efforts, but I sat down today and realized something about myself that's more important than what's going on right now, and that's my past.

I remember being little, listening to my grandpa's old stories from when he was a sailor. The only story I ever really remember is the one where he buys my grandma's engagement ring in Saudi Arabia, but I suddenly realized there so much more I've never learned or cared to learn about when it came to his past or his life. My mom randomly mentioned how he used to play tennis in the Philippines, and it quirked my attention, so I asked him before I went into my room to do homework. That one question led to a million more, and I became curious as he described how he traveled around the world, where he lived back home, and we even started making plans for what we wanted to do next Christmas when the whole family goes.

"I've been everywhere," he told me, "Russia, France, England, Romania, Africa, Arabia, Japan. All the big cities, and ..." he pauses and laughs to himself, "we painted the town red every night. We were sailors, you know? I had a girlfriend in every city."

I smiled when he told me that. He also told me, "the most beautiful women in the world, you'll find them in Colombia. The women there, their faces looked like the Virgin Mary."

He has photos from every city, but there all back at home in Manila. I want him to write stories about his life, so I can read them, and my children can read them, and their children can read them. I never realized how amazing his life was, how much there was to learn and remember.

Even though he was so happy when we started talking, he seemed sad by the end. He cried a little as he kept talking, and I kind of started to also. I hate myself for waiting so long to actually care, to really make the effort to understand him and his life.

I just hate how, in life, you really only start cherishing something once there's a time limit on how long you can have it.

life life life

2008-04-18T06:50:03Z

Man, life is complicated. It's insane how quickly one thing will go in one direction, and something else in the other. Ian and I had this long talk in the car (his new one!) about how life is moving faster than it did at the beginning of the year, and how things have strangely come full circle for the both of us - in relationships, school, family.

Summer always comes at a bittersweet price. There's always that feeling of relief - that fresh air and release of burden from your shoulders. At the same time however, there's that realization of time, how much of it has passed how little you have left to enjoy. Seems pessimistic, n'est-ce pas?

It's kind of a hard emotion to embody in words.

One of the few things in life I immensely enjoy is being in the passenger seat, windows down, nostalgic music playing loudly over the sound of wind blowing through the car, and the sun setting softly in the distance.

I don't want to be happy, I just want to be content. Is that too much to ask for?

Listen here.

the limit does not exist?

2008-04-14T07:23:51Z

And I'm not talking about Calculus. I honestly feel like the extent of online bullying has no real limit. It has no face, no physical form or tangible action - it's just an html video stream or paragraph of text floating around this fathomless, immeasurable universe of space that no one has control over.

And I'm not just talking about those stupid girls in Florida.

Drama (and hypocrisy) is inevitable throughout life, especially HIGH SCHOOL, but I just wish sometimes that people could step out of their shoes and realize how the situation looks and how they SHOULD be handling it.

Oh well, not everyone can act like adults sometimes. (Not even me.)

So on top of waking up at 10 in the morning for work with only 4 hours of sleep, getting into a fender bender with my neighbor, and missing my session with my calculus tutor, the plumbing in my house has backed up and now I'm being forced to spend the night with none other than my archnemesis KATHLEEN! If I don't make it through the night, I'm hoping you can all assume what has happened. (That I was grisly murdered, dismembered, and left to die in the jacuzzi in Kathleen's backyard - because what else is she using it for?)

the whole truth, and nothing but it

2008-04-04T06:25:59Z

To say that it's been a crazy week is the biggest understatement of my life.

I'm done with the drama and the bullshit and the arguing. I honestly just want to move on with my life. And that's the whole truth - regardless of my position, my duty, my role as an officer. I'm damn proud of my class, but I can't handle any more expectations about BATTLE, when it's done and over with. I put my life on hold for Battle enough as it is - and if you didn't get the memo, I have to return to caring about my other priorities, like possibly getting into college (which is a pretty bleak notion at this point).

Bottom line - don't tell me how to handle this. I'm proud, I'm happy - but honest to God the whole truth and nothing but the truth is that this isn't how I wanted it to happen. There I fucking said it.

The next couple of weeks look pretty bleak.

Prom, Tribes, Showcase, SAT's, AP Testing, Finals.

I'm thinking about writing my own obituary to save someone else the trouble.

couldn't resist

2008-04-01T05:20:10Z

Had to post this trailer for the world to see! I've been worried that the American-version of My Sassy Girl was going to be a bunch of horrendous bollocks, which would weigh down a very entertaining, heartfelt, and quirky love story. But alas, I have worried in vain (hopefully). I love movie trailers btw. I could watch them for days. Anywho, CHECKZZ IT OUT!

TIME TO BRAWL!

2008-03-30T04:17:57Z

I've decided to try a quick update before my home is invaded by the likes of the Presidents Club, who assemble almost every night to play Super Smash Bros. BRAWL until the late hours of the morning.

I've basically posted to relay to the world how much of a waste my break has turned out to be, and that I should have consumed more ice cream when I had the chance.

Also, I have a lot of homework.

Also, it wasn't a COMPLETE waste. Why? Because I got to spend time with my friends - who, may I remind you, are BETTER than yours and freaking kick ass - and I also got to sleep in.

Time to end this bipolar post and beat Nelson at his own game (no, literally).

so anticlimatic

2008-03-25T07:18:45Z

So this post is kind of long overdue, but over these past few days I couldn't really bring myself to sit down and actually write about Battle.

As Amanda so perfectly put it, the outcome of Battle kind of felt like being dumped by a long-term boyfriend - you put so much effort, time, and work, hoping something good and rewarding will come of it, but in the end you're just left with disappointment.

In other words, it was not a mutual break-up.

If anything I am grateful for the people I've met and friendships I've gained. Don't think just because Battle's over I won't say hi to you in the hallways. Regardless of what anyone else will tell me, I will always believe that we deserved 1st place. Not because of our amazing skit, or the fact that we dominated in games, but because our class literally came together and unified, grew friendships and showed love for one another. I saw it first hand, and I'm proud of my class on so many different levels.

You guys are the best.

I know that 1st place next year is obviously ours - it just kind of sucks feeling like we'll be winning by default.

In any case, I honestly love everyone who came out to support 09, all the people who participated in Battle, and especially my officers for putting up with my bullshit throughout the entire process.

Regardless of the tears and disappointment that came afterward, if I had the chance I would do it all over again.

relationship troubles

2008-03-19T06:52:06Z

I honestly can't wait to break-up with my boyfriend. He takes up way too much of my time, forces me to stay up until god knows how late, and is very, very unforgiving.

Battle, I'm sorry. It's not you, it's me.

Come Friday though, all this hell that we've been through will be worth it.

Right?

I should of got an itouch

2008-03-12T05:30:21Z

Currently updating from my mother's itouch, one which she shouldve totally bought me and not kept for herslf. Im already getting tired of having to go back andadd commas and periods!and omg WTF I am getting so frustrated.

Anyway, if anyone had gone to the district board meeting they wouldve seen me hilariously attempting to be diplomatic and sincere at the same time. So is the charm of an eloquent adolescent. Okay now I'm flattering myself, but in any case I think it was necessary for at least ONE student to say something seeing as the only people volunteering to sepak to union members and/or PTA members. I felt kind of bad for the board actually. Everyone was pointing fingers at them as if it was honestly their fault that California is falling into a 4 billion dollar deficit. It was pretty cool when the some of the board members spoke up about how they really felt; a memorable quote of the night was, "I was born and raised in east side San jose,and I know that having grown up here you have to fight for what you want, and that you'll do whatever the heck you have to to survive."

He was very gangster indeed. In other news, school and battle are sort of owning my life, and I really need to get my act together. Question is, how exactly?

i had some dreams there were clouds in my coffee

2008-03-10T04:54:47Z

So today was surprisingly very successful - battle-wise but not academic wise. It's hilarious, in a sort of detached way, how a simple letter grade can easily destroy all hopes you've ever had of a successful future.

I hate calculus. I've honestly never detested something so much in my life. If the subject could take a physical form - human preferably - I wouldn't hesitate to either 1) stab him several times until eminent death or 2) strangle him with a particularly thin piece of fishing string.

*breathes*

If you've ever taken the time to read an earlier blog post, you'd be inclined to know that that whole method of "letting go of the steering wheel" in order to get through life isn't really working for me. In fact I totally saw this happening - you know, inevitably crashing into another car, or worse, falling off the edge of cliff. God forbid that happen literally - but in a metaphysical way that's sort of happened. At least to, you know, my sanity.

Fallen off the deep end. That's me alright.

Battle is kind of like that love/hate relationship you have with an asshole of a boyfriend who's particularly good in bed. Except I wouldn't know what's "good in bed" either I suppose.

Watching "Pride and Prejudice" for the 430958309854teenth time really helps. I should have another Jane Austen movie marathon. Except for Emma - Gwyneth Paltrow was horrid in that adaptation. Plus, Emma's such a snobby little bitch.

P.S. I am currently falling in love (again!) with a new and improved (and sexier!) Jesse McCartney. Feel free to check out his new video! (link over there *points left*)

in white light, i don't think so

2008-03-03T03:39:57Z

My obligatory leap year post slipped my mind on Friday. I really wouldn't know what to write anyway, besides that I'm just stressed out and irritated with mostly everything.

It's was funny. as I read my journal from four years ago, I couldn't help but laugh at myself. I was such a weird kid at 13. I'm a pretty weird kid at 17, too.

I hate how my problems are just a regular and ordinary as everyone else's. Sometimes I wish my life could turn into some crazy fantasy adventure - complete with sword-wielding heroes and epic wars and faeries.

That's all just wishful thinking I guess.

metaphors

2008-02-28T06:07:41Z

See, it's kind of funny how my three friends and I have our hands on a couple of these books.

One friend, well she finally finished the last chapter - and the ending was pretty horrible. Actually the book itself wasn't even written that well, and the whole story was pretty misleading. I wouldn't doubt if she's burning it right now.

My other friend, she ended up paying way too much for this real expensive book - only thing is it really wasn't worth the price. She's trying to get rid of it, but why give away something you paid so much for?

As for my last friend, she's been trying to start reading this one book for a while, but it's not the genre she usually reads. I kind of understand where she's coming from, trying hard to decide whether to start the first chapter or just return it all together.

I have this one book, and honestly it's really great and everything - only problem is I'm tired of reading the same damn story over and over again.

If you have the time visit polanoid.net. Collection of polaroids from around the world. Depressing that they're discontinuing the camera soon.

I try and I try and I'm not sure if any of it's good enough anymore.

the truth comes spilling out

2008-02-26T05:53:22Z

If procrastination was an art form, I'd be the fucking Van Gogh of the art world. Well, if procrastination was impressionism. Or whatever - let's not get technical here.

I'd like to think I'm a really articulate person, but I've realized over the course of the past few minutes that being witty and smart is done much better through the written word than the spoken one. Or what I'm basically trying to say is being cool on the int3netz is much easier than trying to be cool in reality.

On to the insightful, witty blog.

Looking back on past years, I've realized how over dramatic I used to be. This time last year (and that time last year a year before) I was totally convinced my life was ending. I was overwhelmed by battle, schoolwork, family business, etc. When I think about it - it's never been as bad as it is right now, and yet I'm nowhere near as emotionally unstable or spastic.

Reality really kicked in yesterday at my grandpa's birthday. I hate how overemotional old ladies get at these types of shindigs. My grandma and my grandpa started dancing to some old Frank Sinatra song, and then she started crying and then he started crying and then everyone started crying! Gah, I'm really not good at this kind of thing - expressing my feelings and all that. I could be a lot more articulate about all this - talk about how the room was so crowded I could barely move and how in every nook and cranny there was some relative stifling sobs at the sight of my grandpa talking to everyone as if he was on his deathbed. The outpour of emotion had me drowning.

I mean, I get sentimental, but clearly I'm not one to do so often.

My life is literally spiraling out of control and I'm surprised that I don't really mind. It's turned into one of those situations where I'm just letting go of the steering wheel and hoping that by luck I won't crash into the lane divider or hit a 18-wheel gas tanker. Though many have taken the time to point out the chaos of my life and its (to put it in Jane Austen's words) "lack of propriety", I really could care less. Indifference isn't exactly the best way to handle your problems - but temporary solutions shall suffice until the dam breaks.